I need to have a rant. Why is it that minivans seem to render their drivers inept? (this does not apply to our friends J+M – at least it better not!) Here’s a list of the things I’ve noticed that bother me about minivan drivers (and yes, I know some of them apply to more than just minivan drivers, but every single one seems to apply to every minivan driver.):

1. If the speed limit is 45, you should be driving somewhere around that. Not 25.

2. Curves (slight curves, not full turns which require blinkers) in the road are not scary. You do not need to brake and go 10 mph.

3. Speaking of blinkers, I was not aware that minivans were produced without turning signals. Perhaps you should stick your arm out the window to signal if that’s the case.

4. If you are turning onto a main road from a side road, it is generally not advisable to pull out directly in front of an oncoming car.

5. Similarly, if you are turning onto an even bigger main road (4 lanes) from a shopping center, with you trying to cross 2 lanes to make a left, do not pull out and stop in the middle of the road in front of oncoming traffic.

6. Those lines on the road? They’re there for a reason. Try to stay between them.

7. Those pretty green, yellow, and red lights? Are also there for a reason! Green means go. And more importantly, red means stop. Red doesn’t mean “I think I’ll go now, even though the light has been red for 5 seconds, 2 other cars have gone through it ahead of me, and the cars are now starting to come from the other direction because their light is now green.”

8. Those half spots at the local Publix? Do not fit your car! I’m not even sure they’re supposed to be spots. Maybe they’re for motorcycles (there are a lot of those around thanks to the big Harley dealer), but they’re not long enough or wide enough for your minivan. A hint would be the fact that your big ass car is sticking out into the aisle and is over the spot line. Don’t squeeze in next to my car, leaving me with 5″ of clearance to get into my car (I’ve got really long doors on my Celica!). Or maybe just leave a can opener next time so I can get in.

9. Really do not leave your cart sitting behind my car while you load up your car. Especially if I’m trying to leave. But even if I’m not there, you shouldn’t invade other people’s car space with those pointy carts. Keep it in your own zone. If I find your cart touching my car (<shudder>), I reserve the right to give you stink eye and possibly mutter under my breath that you’re about to lose a testicle or a boob (whichever is appropriate).

I’d also like to add that if given a choice, I won’t park next to a minivan (or dented cars, but for a different reason – basically if you don’t care enough to fix your car, you probably won’t care about getting one more dent while you rail your door into my car. If you just can’t afford to fix it, you can’t afford to fix mine either, so you probably won’t leave a note. Anyway…). This picture will show you what I see in my head every time I consider parking next to a minivan:

minivan nightmare

So, in this picture, there are 5 kids getting out of the minivan. My car is the smaller one. All 5 kids are puking, carrying sticky lollipops, and have sticky hands. My car is now covered in all 3.<shudder>

Now then, I do not mean to say that I’m a perfect driver. I know I’m not. If minivan drivers are idiots, I’m the asshole tailgating them, speeding past them, cutting them off, and flipping them the bird. I’m a bit of an aggressive driver (unless I’m in an unfamiliar area or the weather is bad – then I’m much safer). Chris hates it. Whatever. I wouldn’t need to occassionally be an ass if other drivers paid attention to what’s going on around them. So wake up, put down the phone, and drive. For the record, I realize I’ll need to drive more carefully when I have kids (which, despite the horrific picture above, I do very much want!). I will. But I vow to never become a “minivan driver” as described above. If I do, shoot me.

That’s it. Rant over.

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Debbie
    Jan 24, 2010 @ 21:13:16

    Someones vacation is coming none too soon.


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